I feel quite different, like a giant spiritual exfoliation just happened. My face in the mirror looks happier and more settled. insode and maybe outside, thats harder to tell.
I cant get over the view from my window, the water really does shimmer and something tells me that the pwoplw or wrothing are onto something. A shared secret. this land feels magical. At home.
I stood under the water today and thanked myself. Maybe I am getting the hang of this manifestation stuff. One snap decision on an airplane that just wouldnt be budged, no amou t of scrutiny and ignorance could get it to change its mind, or mine.
And now I have this new senstaion, dare I believe ? I think I do. I made this happen.
I am looking at myself through different eyes. eyes that seem to say my future has arrived.
I have opted for sunday mornings as my time ro drink tea and write my journal. Its hopelessly romantic this vision I have of myself, me the artist, in my kitchen with the sea view, staring out of the window watching the clouds. Just me, a pot of tea, and my thoughts. vision realised.
I swam in the sea with a friend yesterday, it was cold and clean and wondrous I laughted heartily and thought it was a truly perfect moment, one full of gratitiude and open hearted feelings. looking at my reflection in the mirror before I went o bed, I thought I looked pretty.
I like it here, scratch that I love here. Its hard to put into words just how at home I feel, theres something ameobic, soupy, macro bicrobial. hopelessly comfirtable. I think about L A and it seems shocking and unwieldy. it feels like a very sharp knife. Worthing, by comparison, is a marshmallow, a golden marshmallow with secrets to reveal and some magic to uncover/ i am better suited for smores. Coming to terma with who I am has taken so long. finding the things that make me truly happy, not caving to the broadest of perceptions. silly me, I feel now that I have let the cat out of the bag, the real me take over, the power and the glory the truest of truths, the open water the pen heart the one mind. This smallness charming town, feels so honest and so human. I honestly expect a hole in the wall to open up and reveal some magic kingdom. It feels potent and secret. I cant believe that only three onths ago I was a nervous wreck riddked with anviety to the eyeballs. barely sleeping and definitely not laughing.
I was thinking back this morning to a time when envy really goverened my perspective. I musthave felt so inadequte, so small and so lost,. these days I take that small girl, that part of me and I hold her very close.
The things we inherit are not always ours, and it can take a long time to put them down.
The weather is begining to turn, just a tiny whiff of what autumn will be like. I cannot wait, coats and boots area tthe ready I was never suited for hot weather, I didnt know how to dress.

Testing Testing....

Riding the lift to my apartment yesterday, I was wondering, marveling I guess, about how I got there. How did I end up in this lift in this house in this small English town? A small town of cafes, and corner shops. There’s a bingo hall, two actually, a karaoke bar, beach huts, pubs, of course, and a pier.
These days I stare out of my windows onto the big blue horizon. I watch the tide come in and out and the people of Worthing strolling the promenade. Simply enjoying life.
There’s wind and rain, plenty of it, and the opportunity to sling on a raincoat and boots is the perfect antidote.

This year has been fast, super-accelerated, but it has felt like a thousand years. All the big life things offered up all at once, and, just like that, 24 years of Californian sunshine are behind me.
I wondered if I would, panic, experience regret, anything to indicate that putting my entire life in a container on the ocean was a huge mistake, a decision I made with a brain full of grief and empty of logic. But, searching around inside my head and heart, everything seems to be in its right place.

I think about LA often, of course, I see places I know on TV and smile, I want to lay some kind of claim.
I like throwing American words into the pot, some of them are just better, I can’t imagine I will ever say mobile-phone, and ‘apartmen’t is just nicer than ‘flat’
Being here I notice an absence of fear. Leaving my house I don’t brace myself, I don’t sit on the bus imagining where I would hide if someone had a gun. I am no longer stepping over people on the sidewalk (how was that ever normal for me?) I don’t see crazy coming at me down the street, and I have to laugh at the price of life in Los Angeles.
I don’t miss the competition, I don’t miss feeling completely overwhelmed by almost everything. I don’t miss my terrible landlord, I don’t miss the cracks in my bathroom tile or the holes in the bedroom window.
Maybe I am running away God knows I’ve done that before, but on a good day, with a clear head, this feels like a good fit,. bite-size, doable.